Ryan J. Suto's Blog

11 February 2013

Obama Administration Claims Modest Success As War of Ideas Draws Down in Afghanistan

KABUL—Private First Class Alex “Sarte” McDonough has been in Afghanistan for over two years now, and says he is ready to go home to his online blog and a library of books in South Bend, Indiana.

“When you’re at home, as a philosopher you’re used to having the longest beard around and debating angsty young Nietzschians or Solipsists” PFC McDonough stated. “But out here, beard supremacy is never a guarantee, and the logical fallacies are thrown so quickly, it’s tough to handle them all as thoroughly as we’d like.”

PFC McDonough is part of the 102nd Philosopher’s Division, one of the many units sent to Afghanistan by the Obama Administration to fight the War of Ideas.

“This Administration is confident we have the best ideas in the world,” stated White House Press Secretary Jay Carney. “The drawdown is not a retreat or concession, but part of a greater realization that it’s time to have some ideas here at home.” Despite the reduction of philosopher deployment in Afghanistan, many critics have pointed to build-ups in places such as the Persian Gulf and North Africa. When asked about the geographic scope of the War of Ideas, Carney stated, “Make no mistake, we will send our brave thinkers anywhere American ideas are threatened. The president is not afraid to out-think any foe.”

Despite leaving the theatre of combat, for many like PFC McDonough, the war will not be easily forgotten. “I’ve heard stories from guys going back home—they’re not the same philosophers they once were,” McDonough stated. “We all come in thinking about the war experiences of Wittgenstein. But when we return, instead of solving all the problems of philosophy, we can’t even create proper syllogisms.”

McDonough thinks the war may have changed America as much as it has changed Afghanistan. “I know some philosophers out here who’ve already begun discussing the differences between a major and minor Jihad. If we bring these ideas home, why’d we fight in the first place?”

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